10 Things I No Longer Do Since Turning 40
I’ve often said when I turned 40 my ‘I don’t give a sh** meter went way up. It wasn’t a cognitive thing. It required no effort. Something just organically happened. I’m not sure what, but it did.
Now I’m 47 and I realize I might have had it wrong. I didn’t increase my list of things I don’t care about. I just became more acutely aware of the things I do care about. It’s funny. When you focus intently on that which matters the things you don’t just sort of naturally organize themselves without any effort on our part.
For example, I once worried intently about being seen as a really nice guy. My stepmother had once told me, “People wonder why your brothers and sisters don’t hate you.”
This stung and stayed with me well into my adult life. I used to obsess over it. I think I had this mindset that if everyone thought my siblings should hate me then they must hate me as well. Yikes! To make up for this I needed to be liked. I needed everyone to know I wasn’t the awful person my stepmother led me to believe I was. I needed people to know I was really kind and nice. As a result I would somewhat ‘perform’ for others. I no longer do this.
I don’t worry about that anymore. Instead I focus on those I know love me and work on loving them back, which is no work at all. I focus my attention on being a good and decent person not because I need to be liked and prove my stepmother wrong but because I just genuinely want to be a good person and example.
A lot of people say they don’t care what others think. I’ve found most people who say this actually care deeply what most people think. If they didn’t they wouldn’t have to make such an announcement. They wouldn’t care if you knew or didn’t know they don’t care what people think. You know?
Here is a list of 10 things I’ve determined I won’t do any longer. We always hear of goals and metrics outlining those things we must do, have to do, gonna do. We’re gonna do em every day, every week, we’re gonna do do do all the live long day.
I’ve written before on the power of a ‘not to do list.’ Here’s another take on the concept. Have a list of things you are determined you will focus on so you no longer do the things that simply aren’t adding value to your life.
I don’t get offended. You can only get offended if you give weight and power to the offense. If you choose not to then the offense just sits there in the ether.
I don’t need to be liked. I want to be liked. I like to be liked. However, I’m not going to be anything other than myself. If you like that-awesome. If not-dang.
I don’t drink alcohol. I’ve discussed this one ad nauseam. There’s just no benefit in it for me.
I don’t cast pearls toward swine. Matthew 7:6 reads, ..”and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them under foot and turn to attack you.” There is no reason to try to change a mind that can’t be changed. There is no reason to waste time trying to give wisdom to a clown. Move on.
I don’t have to be right. I know what I know, and I’m always willing to learn. However, if I find myself in a disagreement, and I believe myself to be right I don’t need anyone to agree with me.
I don’t need anyone to accept my opinion. I feel no obligation to accept other’s opinions. It’s just that simple.
I don’t follow every social norm. Just because you invite me to your party doesn’t mean I have to go. If I do go, it doesn’t mean I have to stay any longer than I want to. It’s not you, it’s me.
I don’t go on the defensive when someone becomes offended by something I had no way of knowing would offend them. It’s very important to understand when others are projecting. It’s you not me. If I was negligent with my words, and hurt your feelings I WILL be quick to say I’m sorry. There is no equity in being a jackass.
I don’t stay up late. It’s bad for you. It makes me grumpy and I hate it. I hate staying up late. I really really hate it!
I don’t withhold love as a means of self protection. If I love you, I’m going to let it show. You’ll never doubt it. No matter what, I want my loved ones to know how much I love them. I have learned the surest way to never be hurt is to give your love with reckless abandon. Love big and love often. Don’t hold back. I refuse to practice conditional love. I have it modeled to me and suffered from it for too much of my life. To do it in turn would make me a jackass. I try to refrain from jackass-ery when possible.
That’s just 10. I’m sure I have a bunch of other stuff. I’m sure the list will continue to grow. I recently heard someone say as we get old we go from accumulating to decluttering. When we’re young we are trying to grab, gather, get, collect. Then as we get older we start to give away, lighten the load and declutter.
That’s the stage I’m headed in. Maybe I got there a little sooner than most. Probably so. I’ve always been a bit of an old fart at heart. What I’m certainly learning is that when you remove the clutter of bullsh** in your life it makes it so much easier to focus on the treasure. And focusing on the treasure seems to make the garbage just kind of decompose. It’s a pretty cool cycle.