The Tao of Ben Franklin #7-Sincerity
Virtue# 7 “Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.”
As is the case with most sages their wisdom can be traced back to religious ideals and texts. Confucius said, “Sincerity is the way to Heaven.”
Franklin uses speech as a medium for sincerity. In the book of Ephesian, found in the Bible it reads, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Have you ever noticed there are some people who are a little too comfortable with giving criticism? I don’t know when it was, but at some point in my life I realized that I hated to be the one to be disagreeable to other people. I thought to myself, “Why do I have to be the one to tell them I disagree?” The answer? I don’t.
Obviously, this doesn’t hold true in every case. There are times when it’s a disservice to someone to go on letting them be out in left field. But on minor issues, I’ve decided I don’t have to argue. I don’t have to be right, and I certainly don’t have to speak down or harshly to another to make myself feel better.
Dale Carnegie, author of the self help classic ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ had much to say on this very topic.
Carnegie believed that criticism should never be used, because people who are criticized tend to respond by justifying themselves, and condemning the critical person in return. Great leaders such as Abraham Lincoln, Carnegie believed, partly achieved their success because they never criticized others.
Instead, Carnegie recommended the practice of self-control, understanding, and forgiveness. Most importantly, he advised that we should always try to see the other person's point of view. In order to influence people and achieve your aims, Carnegie suggests, it is necessary to understand individual motivation.
Work on the art of persuasion, and ask yourself what will motivate a person to want to do a task for you. Carnegie considered that most people are interested only in their own desires, and when given what they want, can help the giver to achieve great success in business.
Proverbs 15 reads, “A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” How very true this is. Want to know why Twitter is the dumpster fire it is? It’s because people show up with a verbal molotov cocktail in their hand. They scroll, see something they don’t like, light the fuse and let her rip. This is dumb.
If you want to bring people over to your side or at least gain enough credibility to have another person listen to you, you must offer up a gentle and kind word. Granted, I’ve seen some people so vile and full of hate they could not be brought down for their high horse of rage and self righteousness. But that’s on them.
Be the person willing to turn the verbal other cheek. This doesn’t make you weak. In fact this shows incredible strength. The most difficult thing to do is offer a kind word to someone who has verbally slashed you. Yet if you do it, the power displayed can be palpable.
Be sincere. Zig Ziglar used to say, “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” Be someone who is truly willing to listen to another. Learn their thoughts. This can be extremely telling about their character, their hurts, their concerns. Once you truly understand these things your communication with them will be infinitely more productive.
I recently watched a documentary on former CIA spy and Director William Colby. He had a quote I thought was very profound. He said, “I knew what I thought. My job was to listen.”
So often we think because we know what we think, it’s our job to talk. This could not be further from the truth. Sincere listening will tell you everything you need to say when appropriate.
Franklin was known to be loved by both his adversaries and friends. He was the elder statesman and sage of the framers of the Constitution. He learned at a young age the value of not using sarcasm and hurtful speech against his adversaries.
One of his most famous stories of bringing an enemy over to his side was by borrowing a book from his political foe. After being publicly denounced by the rival politician, Franklin knew to gain credibility he must win the man over.
His first reaction, naturally enough, was to be ticked off at the guy. But Franklin was too clever to let his anger show. Instead, of all things, he asked to borrow a rare book. His antagonist, Franklin explains, was known to be a keen collector who took great pride in his book collection. Flattered by Franklin's interest, he sent the book over straight away. Franklin graciously returned it with a thank you note shortly thereafter.
What does a favor like this have to do with the larger relationship between two rivals? A lot, Franklin noticed. As soon as the man had done Franklin the favor, his attitude toward Franklin warmed considerably. It is hard for someone to simultaneously be kind to you and dislike you, Franklin surmised, and therefore, subconsciously, his adversary's feelings shifted to being more favorable to his young rival.
This may seem somewhat insincere, considering Franklin had ulterior motives in his borrowing the book. But one can immediately see the effectiveness of trying to win a friend to later influence them.
To return once again to the Bible, I think we can all be better off by just practicing the ‘golden rule.’ “Do unto others as you would have them do unto.” It’s worth noting every major religion promotes some form of this idea.
The Buddhist say, “Whatever is disagreeable to yourself, do not do unto others.” The Muslims remind us, “Not one of you truly believes until you wish for others that which you wish for yourself.”
We are wise to be kind with our words. Our actions should be the same. Every action of any consequence should be given a litmus test. By simply asking ourselves, “What is my real motive here?” We can start to give ourselves a chance to reflect and refrain. There are many times when I’ve picked up the phone to call someone or I’ve showered someone with compliments only to deep down suppress anger and frustration. This isn’t good. We should only do what is sincerely good.
Franklin, like all of us, wasn't perfect. However, he understood living a life committed to values meant living a life of doing good not harm to others.