Virtue # 2: Silence-Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

I was 35 years old when I was elected to the Tyler City Council. I was thought to be a young, somewhat cocky political ladder stepper prone to oration. I’ll admit, I like to give a good speech. I really enjoy being in front of people and making an argument for something I believe strongly in.

This being the case it was expected once I was elected I would use the council dais as a podium for grandstanding and oration. I knew this was the case. So what was my strategy to dismiss this bias? Silence. I actually made a point to see how few instead of how many words I would speak during a council meeting. 

I remember one of my fellow council members and close friends asking me after a meeting, “Are you ok? You were awfully quiet.” 

Then there was a day we were voting on a particular measure of some controversy. It was city council not congress so it wasn’t all that earth shattering. However, there were two sides to the issue. I had not said a word about the matter up to the point of the vote.

It was only then I spoke up and expressed how I believed it to be a misuse of taxpayer money. Prior to the meeting it had been a foregone conclusion the measure would pass. After I spoke it was defeated unanimously. I learned then and there my strategy had worked. When I spoke, the other council members gave great attention to what I was saying. 

They learned I saved my words like cherished jewels only to be cast when the return was worthy of the investment. I learned this from Benjamin Franklin years prior in his book of virtues. 

Ben Franklin was a respected intellectual.  He was self-effacing regarding his ability to speak, but we know from his popular ‘Poor Richard’s Almanac’ he was talented with the written word. He was also a favorite amongst his colleagues at the first Continental Congress. It was Franklin who would often rise and speak to cool the rising temperatures of the discussion during the ratification of our nation’s constitution.

So brilliant was he that he was one of the primary mentors to a much younger Thomas Jefferson during the drafting of The Declaration of Independence. It is said Benjamin Franklin inserted ‘self evident’ as a most palatable way to describe that all men are created equally.

He was also the proverbial ‘smartest guy in the room’ in almost any room he entered. Intelligence, wisdom, popularity and achievement all gave Franklin much to say at any given time. However, he determined there was a benefit to silence. 

“Silence would be more easy; and my desire being to gain knowledge at the same time that I improv’d in virtue, and considering that in conversation it was obtain’d rather by the use of the ears than of the tongue, and therefore wishing to break a habit I was getting into of prattling, punning, and joking, which only made me acceptable to trifling company, I gave Silence the second place.”

In Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay’s book, “How to Have Impossible Conversations,” they suggest this tactic as a way to have much more meaningful dialogue. 

Boghossian suggests using conversation as a learning experience much like Franklin. He explains,  “This person is my opponent who needs to understand what I’m saying,” to “This person is my partner in a conversation and I can learn from him-including learning exactly why he believes what he believes.”

It appears Franklin thought the same thing. Instead of entering a conversation as some sort of jousting match to see who can be the wittiest, smartest and most articulate, enter with the mindset of a student.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “There is not a human being from whom we cannot learn something if we are interested enough to dig deep.”

Franklin believed as Roosevelt did. Silence not only makes for more pleasant and meaningful conversation, it gives utility value to the exchange. We can use it as a means to satisfy a desire for knowledge. Everyone has a completely unique set of life experiences we can learn from.

The person thought to be the smartest person in the room is often the quietest. Abraham Lincoln was correct when he said, “Better to be thought a fool and remain silent than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”

This is so very true. So why do we open our mouths and remove all doubt so often? It can be summed up in one word-pride. We so desperately want people to know that we know what we know. We shutter at the thought of them leaving our presence without knowing we have a full grasp of the topic at hand.

I remember recently having a conversation with someone about health. They had asked me a particular question. Having recently studied the matter I answered as best I could. The entire time I answered the other individual nodded their head in animated agreement as if to say, “Very good young man. This is the answer I was looking for.” 

It was annoying as hell. Even though they were silent they were talking with their head and body language. Why? It was because this person wanted me to believe they basically already knew everything I was telling them instead of humbly taking in my words and learning the answers to the very questions they had asked.

Franklin was also an incredibly strategic statesman. He knew a friend today could be a political opponent tomorrow. Whatever he said to any man during his time could later be used as verbal cannon fodder during debate. Therefore, it was important to be very calculated in the number as well as the content of the words he used.

So often we contract a case of diarrhea of the mouth. We bear our souls, share our innermost thoughts and feelings. Sometimes this is a means of being transparent and open. We think it will gain the trust of the other. However, and I don’t mean to sound cynical here, but it’s really like showing all your cards in a game of poker.

There is always an advantage to knowing more about a person than they know about you. This is how you gain trust. People want to be heard. Give them what they want. Zig Ziglar used to say, “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

I once read that fellow founder George Washington was comfortable just standing in a small group and saying nothing. I know this can be extremely difficult for me. I believe it’s up to me to carry the conversation. If there’s an awkward silence, it’s up to me to break it. This is not true. Now I will literally tell myself, “It’s not your responsibility to break the silence. If you don’t have something to say of value, say nothing.”

Franklin realized he could literally add value to his words by taking them out of circulation. Franklin mentions wanting to avoid “trifling” conversations. It’s amazing how many conversations are just that. They are trivial and of no importance. Notice how many times you resort to discussing the weather the next time you find yourself making small talk. 

I have personally developed an allergy to small talk. I just don’t enjoy it. I think there is a balance to be struck here for sure. You don’t want to seem cold and aloof, but we are not obligated to just babble on in a conversation of no real utility. One of the single biggest ways to make use of a conversation is to use it to become a better conversationalist. 

Earnest Hemingway, in an effort to get himself to sit and write, focused on writing one great sentence. He wasn’t focused on the entire book or chapter. He took care in each and every sentence he wrote. Try to think of one thoughtful sentence or question.

Jerry Seinfeld has once said he goes over his material over and over again making sure every superfluous word is removed to make the joke perfect. When we take the same care with our speech and remain silent until we actually have something of real value and meaning to say, we become better.

The father of Stoic philosophy, Zeno, said, “We have two ears and one mouth. Therefore, we should listen twice as much as we speak.”

We can learn so much in silence. Famed Psychiatrist Milton Erickson contracted polio as a child. Eventually, the disease left him paralyzed from the neck down. He was then unable to speak. However, this didn’t stop Erickson’s work.

Instead he started to take advantage of his silence by observing non-verbal behavior in others. His sisters were two of his best subjects. He started to notice when one’s body language was out of sync with their words. He would observe in silence, using the forced silence as a place of study. Eventually, whether they were nervous, happy, sad, or envious, Milton knew how to read his sisters’ expressions, and by extension those of other people; he had discovered how to decode human expression by utilizing the silence that had once bored him.

I took a class entitled ‘Executive Communications’ in college. I don’t remember much about what I learned although I did receive the gavel award for best speaker. Yay me. I actually used to put on my resume, ‘Recipient of the Timothy Wayne Clipson Gavel Award for Speaking’ when I first graduated. Hey, I was young and needed all I could to stand out.

Dr. Timothy Wayne Clipson was not only my professor but a dear friend. Of all the valuable lessons I learned from Tim in that course, a couple have stuck out through the years. He once told us “One of the best things you can do as a communicator is just shut up. That’s it. Just shut-up.”

Although more times than I would like to acknowledge I didn’t heed this sage advice, I do try to remember it. The old adage, “Silence is golden” really is true. 

Another of Dr. Clipson’s lessons that will echo through my mind forever is this. You can never un-communicate anything. This might be one of the most profound nuggets of wisdom I ever received. Understanding this is a great reason to slow down our conversations and choose our words wisely. An excellent way to do this is to take a brief pause before responding to someone while in conversation. 

Silence can be particularly useful when in a phone conversation. People hate silence. It’s uncomfortable. They must fill the void. They will. In fact, if you can just practice Dr. Clipson’s advice and shut up, they will bare their souls to you. This can be particularly beneficial in business. Want to know just how much they are willing to pay for that house you’re selling? Shut up. Don’t speak. Let them as Franklin said, ‘prattle’ on. You will learn a lot about their motivations and desires.

I like to try (try being the optimal word here) to count to three before responding to anything of any real importance in conversation. This is especially true if I feel my stomach getting that burning sensation telling me, “Dude, this guy is a bloviating moron. You don’t agree with anything he’s saying.” This is the time to truly slow the engines, process, stay silent and choose your response wisely. 

You can add a dash of humility by telling yourself, “What is it I’m missing. What is the map of meaning that has led to this person’s belief? How can I dig a little deeper to better understand?”

“Speak not what may benefit others or yourself.”

How many times have we heard it? 

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” 

It’s such a good practice for a number of reasons. First of all, if we are talking about another person, you need to assume they will eventually hear what you’ve said. I think the best we can do is say nothing about someone not present you wouldn’t say if they were standing right beside you. This is just sage advice. 

Also, don’t start going down a negative rabbit hole. All negativity does is feed on itself. You are not doing anything for another person by jumping in with them in a negative rant. It’s not good for either of you. Avoid it. When speaking to someone, be uplifting. Be an encouragement to them. Pick and choose where to correct them. 

In the Bible it reads, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Remember the goal is to become a student not a preacher in conversation. If you are someone people like to talk to, you get the benefit of learning.

Viktor Frankl famously said, “Between action and reaction is space.” While it takes great practice and constant vigilance, it is to our benefit to control our tongue between the action of hearing and responding. After all, whatever you say can’t be un-communicated. Zeno was correct when he said, “Better to trip with the feet than the tongue.”

Don’t trip over your tongue. Remember, sometimes the single greatest form of communication is to just shut up. Silence is golden. Thanks Ben Franklin.