You’re at lunch with some friends. All fire is friendly. You know you don’t have to worry about these folks being “triggered.” This is a time where you actually have the benefit of the doubt that you aren’t a white supremacist or woke worshiper. You’re just all friends with varying views on different topics.

Then one of your friends says something you totally disagree with. You know at your core they’ve been misinformed. You have the data. You know what’s what. BUT you don’t want to upset your friend so you stay silent.

This has been me in more cases than I can mention. Why? Well, I have a policy to try my best to not give my friends a reason to hate me. I also don’t ever want to be labeled a demagogue. Further, I just think, “Meh. Whatever.”

But I’m rethinking this. I don’t mean to suggest I’m going to start picking fights and getting in people’s faces, but I do think it’s time we all in a loving and respectful way, take advantage of the fact we have tribes with diverse members we can hopefully share with.

At a national level we cannot do this. Therefore, we focus on being more divided than ever. The right is further from the left than ever. We visit with our conservative or liberal friends and think we are some sort of rare exception. Yay us! We’re better than the jackasses in D.C. If only they could get along like us.

However, the reason this works on our micro level is because often we outsource all debate to the so called experts; politicians, commentators, journalists, etc. This is because we don’t want to ruin our friendships.

But what about those in our tribe we agree with 90% of the time and just let the other 10% slide? I get why the liberal and conservative friends don’t bring up sticky topics. That can be a really sticky wicket. But what about a liberal who is a closet pro-lifer? What about a conservative who is a closet pro-choicer?

If we find ourselves in the same tribe and have a disagreement are we willing to say, “You know, I’m not sure I agree with that? Can you tell me more? How did you come to that conclusion?”

I’m always grateful when someone does this to me. It forces me to think, defend my position and luckily it usually doesn’t get heated because there’s a foundation of trust. We can discuss it and maybe minds are changed or made concrete. Either way dialogue happens.

More importantly I may learn I need to do some more thinking on the topic. After all, this is a person who I agree with on every other point. Have I missed something here? Should I be giving this more thought? Having the courage to question our deepest held beliefs is a worthy attribute.

It’s time we all started speaking up, politely and respectfully when we find ourselves in disagreement with someone and say, “You know, I’m not sure I agree with you. Can you tell me more about that?”

We aren’t like the politicians who will be tarred and feathered if they don’t toe the party line. We need to revel in our freedom to speak freely amongst friends. We need to gently, peacefully and constructively hold one another accountable. But always enter the conversation as a student not a teacher.

This is an art. It takes practice, but it can be done to great effect. ‘How to Have Impossible Conversations’ by Peter Boghossian is an excellent guide to having these sorts of conversations. Boghossian gives excellent tactics to help people better articulate and defend their arguments.

Another great resource is Adam Grant’s, ‘Think Again.’ This is a book that will help you be a better thinker by taking another look and verifying what you believe to be so. Remember the story about the frog in the boiling water? You know if you keep turning the water up slowly eventually the frog will boil? Yea that’s bullshit. The frog once hot enough will jump right out. It only took me 47 years to learn that. What else do we think is true but is nothing but a bunch of bull butter?

In a recent blog post Seth Godin made an excellent point.

He said, “The people in the news and at the podium get all the attention, but they’re a symptom, not usually a cause. Everyday people aren’t the bottom, they are the roots, the foundation, the source of culture itself. We are the culture, and we change it or are changed by it.”

We CAN change this culture of hate and anger. But we have to be willing to have the tough conversations. Are you in? Cool. Let’s do this.