There are several things that make a relationship go from good to great. One of the single greatest characteristics a relationship can possess for success and satisfaction is trust.

A relationship based on trust is light and airy. It’s fun. It leaves space for all the good parts of a relationship like shared experiences and moments of bliss. Nothing unleashes the full potential of a relationship like sound trust.

So how do you build trust in a relationship? Well, for starters you have to build it within yourself. So many people consume themselves with being able to trust their partner they forget an important fact. They cannot under any circumstance determine their partner’s actions. The quicker we realize this fact the better.

This does not mean you can’t influence your partner’s actions. You absolutely can. So how do you do it? You first begin with being a trustworthy person yourself. It is much harder to betray someone who we ourselves can trust explicitly. Are there exceptions? Of course. You very well may be involved with a narcissist or a psychopath. That’s a totally separate issue. 

For the sake of this article, I’m going to imagine you and your partner are reasonably adjusted non-psychotic people. Fair enough? Cool.

So how do you make yourself trustworthy? Well, it’s pretty simple. Don’t betray the other person. I know, a picture of Captain Obvious just popped in your head. Let me go a little further. Do you trust yourself? I’m not just talking about in a room full of members of the opposite sex who are physically gorgeous, naked and dying to touch you. 

Do you trust the way you manage money? Do you trust the way you deal with your friends? Do you trust the way you take care of yourself? If not, what could you change? The first key to being able to trust your partner is to learn how to be someone you yourself can trust. 

Now let’s look at the other person. What is their trust hot button? I bet they have one. We always think in terms of cheating, but it’s more than that. 

Let’s imagine you’re a dude who is dating or married to a girl who crushes it at work. She’s a boss. She’s brilliant, makes great cash, seemingly exudes excellence in every way. In fact much of who she is is centered around her performance as a human. Does she know if she decided to checkout and leave the rat race you’d be her biggest cheerleader? Does she know that no matter how many dragons she slays at work, she can rest and recharge in your arms? Are you her safe place?

What about you ladies? Did your husband come from a home where his Mom was always unfaithful to his Dad? Did his Dad constantly preach to him to guard his heart and never let a woman in completely? If so, you are behind the eight ball, and it has nothing to do with you. When he displays distrust, he’s drawing on meanings he has associated with relationships before you ever came along.

Are you willing to discuss this with him? 

Here’s what not to do in this case. Let’s say you’re the high powered executive. He’s the guy who’s received crappy advice from his Dad his whole life. You go on a business trip on the other side of the world. Every time you call, he’s short, passive aggressive and acts like he’d rather be doing anything besides talk to you.

There’s a good chance he’s struggling with his Dad’s advice and his own reality. Finally, he says, “So who did you have dinner with tonight?”

You know what he’s getting at. You’re pissed. You love him. You’re loyal. You would never even consider cheating. So you launch in.

“I had dinner with some colleagues? Why? Are you suspicious? What the hell?”

You just threw kerosene on a fire that was first simmering in his stomach, flames found their way out his mouth and now he has a full blown 5 alarm fire waging inside. 

Here’s where the trust building comes in. Not because you “owe” it to him. It’s not because he deserves to be coddled for his insecurity. It’s for one reason. You love him. You understand his past and you want a relationship full of trust. You want him to know one day, he can in a more healthy way address HIS insecurities.

The response could be something like this. 

“It was just a few colleagues, darling. I wish so badly you had been with me. I love you so much. This is such a beautiful place, and I wish you could be here to share it with me.”

I do not suggest apologizing for being on a business trip and him being upset. Remember, you have done nothing wrong. However, neither has he necessarily. That is unless he refuses to address the insecurities and continues in the bad behavior. Then you have reason to lose trust.

The thing to know about trust is it’s a lot like maintaining market share in business. It’s a lot more cost effective to keep an existing customer than acquire a new one. 

It’s the same with trust. It’s a lot less costly to maintain trust than to try to regain it. Once trust is broken it’s like trying to put a shattered egg back together. It’s very difficult. 

So what do we do? Don’t break trust.

One of the other things to do is exhibit trustworthy behavior in all your endeavors. This isn’t just to show your partner you are consistent, but it’s like anything else. We are the sum of our habits. If we habitually practice trustworthy behavior we will be more trustworthy. It will be part of our identity.

Finally, no discussion of trust in a relationship can exclude the topic of communication. Trust leads to better communication. I’m not sure which comes first in this scenario; the chicken or the egg. For the sake of this article, let’s say you adopt a habit of good communication as a means to build trust.

What does this look like? If both of you are practicing the habit of being someone who is trustworthy you will realize your own hot buttons. Guy with bad Dad advice will be able to communicate with you. Let’s use the business trip scenario again.

Guy-“Babe, my Dad is advising me in my head. Can you help a brother out?”

Girl- “Absolutely, babe. What do you need from me right now?”

Boom! That will probably put out the fire right there. Is it because the guy “trusts” his spouse doesn’t have a co-worker with strawberries and champagne upstairs in her bedroom waiting? No.

It’s because he trusts that he can let down his guard, be vulnerable, take ownership of his insecurities, and she will respond with loving kindness. 

This is where vulnerability is so powerful in a relationship. It’s also a HUGE part of building trust. Share your fears. Take ownership of them. Otherwise you run the risk of projecting YOUR problems on the person you love most. They don’t deserve that, and you don’t deserve the fallout. Be brave enough to discuss your fears. This is a huge trust builder.

You know what grows in darkness? Mold. Mold sucks. It can ruin a home. So do things that need to be said but are not. Leave them in the dark, and mold grows. Shine light on them, and the mold goes away. 

Here’s another thing to remember when it comes to building and maintaining trust. If you have trust issues, beware. If you project your insecurities on your partner you run a big risk of them becoming untrustworthy. 

People WILL become the person we treat them as. So in a relationship you have a choice. You can treat the person as though they are trustworthy and watch them live up to it. Or you can treat them like an untrustworthy person and watch them fall to it. 

What I’m about to write is coming from a guy who has been put through the ringer. I have been cheated on in ways that would make your head explode. I’m the guy who should have a 20 foot wall with centurion soldiers standing outside it around his heart. 

I’m not letting you in on that to gain your sympathy or praise. I tell you because I want to be transparent and let you know this all isn’t just hypothetical.

I’m in my second marriage. This has been the biggest “do-over” of my life. I have a choice. I can bring the pain, insecurities and other mold from my previous relationship to this one and thus guard my heart hoping it will keep me protected. 

Or, I can love big. I mean I can love super big. I can completely let my heart run free and pour out love for my spouse the likes of which I never have. I’ve decided on the latter. What’s the result? Well, so far we’re on the third year of our honeymoon. I mean that. I make loving my wife a far greater priority than protecting my heart. You know what? It turns out that is the greatest hedge against getting hurt of all. 

Go love your partner to pieces. Love them big. Love them often. Show them you adore them. Trust is a love language. Showing them you trust them explicitly shows them you love them. Afterall, you're trusting them with the most precious gift you have to give-your heart.

The choice is yours.